More Proofs for the Existence of Santa Claus

(This is a humorous parody of the most famous proofs for the existence of God, but it is not to make fun of anyone’s views. The are courtesy of Richard Carrier, a well-known, contemporary historian and philosopher.)

Proof of the existence of Santa Claus!

The Santalogical Argument

Santa Claus is by definition the greatest gift giver conceivable.
An actual gift giver is by definition greater than an imaginary gift giver.
If an actual gift giver is greater than an imaginary one, then the greatest gift giver must be an actual one and not imaginary.
But (per premise 1) no gift giver can be conceptually greater than Santa Claus.
Therefore, Santa Claus exists.

The Christmasological Argument

Either the universe had a beginning or has always existed.
Both science and logic entail the universe had a beginning.
Therefore the universe had a beginning.
Everything that has a beginning has a cause.
Therefore the universe had a cause.
Every cause must be either personal or mechanical.
But every mechanical cause is by definition a part of the universe, and therefore no mechanical cause can have preceded the universe to cause it.
Therefore the universe must have had a personal cause.
Creating the universe is the greatest gift conceivable.
The greatest gift conceivable can only have been given by the greatest gift giver conceivable.
Santa Claus is by definition the greatest gift giver conceivable.
Therefore, Santa Claus caused the universe to exist.
Therefore, Santa Claus exists.

The Fine Gifting Argument

The laws and constants of the universe are finely tuned to require the installation of vents, chimneys, and shafts in all households in which people live (due to the laws of thermodynamics and chemical respiration).
It is extraordinarily improbable that those laws and constants would be arranged in precisely the way that would require exactly what Santa Claus needs to enter our homes and deliver His gifts or coals.
It is very probable that if Santa Claus arranged the laws and constants of the universe that He would arrange them in exactly that way, which (lo and behold) is the way they actually are.
Therefore it is far more probable that Santa Claus arranged the laws and constants of the universe than that random chance did.
Therefore it is far more probable that Santa Claus exists.
Therefore Santa Claus exists.

Argument from Christmas Miracles

Miraculous events have been documented to occur at and around Christmas (by multiple eyewitnesses and even mechanical recording devices that never lie, like TV cameras).
It is extraordinarily improbable that those miracles occur just by chance.
It is very probable that they would occur if Santa Claus caused them.
Therefore it is far more probable that Santa Claus caused them than that random chance did.
Therefore it is very probable that Santa Claus exists.
Therefore Santa Claus exists.

Hopefully, if you are familiar with theistic arguments you will understand the humor in the above proofs. Have a Merry Christmas and, don’t forget, Santa Claus loves you!

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