Short Philosophy Jokes

Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Depends on how you define “change.”



Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink. The bartender asks him if he would like another. “I think not,” he says … and disappears.


Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”


Dean, to the physics department: “Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff? Why couldn’t you be more like the math department – all they need is pencils, paper, and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper.”


A boy is about to go on his first date, and his father gives him the following advice: “If you ever don’t know what to talk about, just remember the three F’s: food, family, and philosophy. You can always start a conversation about one of those subjects.”

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy’s nervousness builds. He remembers his father’s advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: “Do you like potato pancakes?” She says “No,” and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father’s suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, “Do you have a brother?” The girl says “No,” and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father’s advice and asks the girl: “If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?”


An engineer, a scientist, a mathematician, and a philosopher are hiking through the hills of Scotland, when they see a lone black sheep in a field.

The engineer says, “What do you know, it looks like the sheep around here are black.” The scientist looks at him skeptically and replies, “Well, at least some of them are.” The mathematician considers this for a moment and replies, “Well, at least one of them is.” Then the philosopher turns to them and says, “Well, at least on one side.”



Overheard in 18th century England: “Did you hear that George Berkeley died? His girlfriend stopped seeing him.”


Bonus Religion Joke 

Top 10 Reasons Why God Was Denied Tenure

  • He had only one major publication.
  • And it had no references.
  • It wasn’t published in a refereed journal or even submitted for peer review.
  • And some even doubt he wrote it himself.
  • It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done recently?
  • The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate his results.
  • He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
  • He expelled his first two students for learning.
  • Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
  • His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.
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3 thoughts on “Short Philosophy Jokes

  1. I’ll try this one again:
    Is reality the same as truth? Yes…uh, no…maybe?, or, it depends.

    Short enough?

  2. A note on the lightbulb feature.:
    The original take was,as I recall: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
    Answer: only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.
    I guess it was an interchangeable joke?

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